Mr Larkin's Vegetable Medley

Lady Bracknell is given to understand that the Editor's gentleman-friend, Mr Larkin - who, by all accounts, can turn his hand to a wide variety of occupations - has no little skill in the kitchen.

(Lady Bracknell assumes that it must be the said Mr Larkin's dubious socialist beliefs which prevent him from retaining suitable domestic help. Lady Bracknell is happy to report that she herself had never so much as set foot in the kitchen regions of any house in which she had resided until such time as Lord Bracknell's mysterious and untimely demise left her in considerable want and penury.)

There follows one of Mr Larkin's recipes, recorded faithfully by the Editor as it was being dictated to her over the telephone. Lady Bracknell believes that, as Mr Larkin's culinary opus has yet to be published, this may be what journalists are vulgarly wont to refer to as, "a scoop".


Heat a little olive oil in a frying pan. Finely dice one large onion and add it, together with two crushed cloves of garlic, to the pan. Sauté gently until the onion is translucent. Next, add the finely-chopped flesh of two red capsicums and continue to stir the contents of the pan from time to time as you peel and chop half a pound of mushrooms. Add the mushrooms to the pan; season to taste; and retire with a glass of wine until the vegetable medley is cooked to your preference.

Finally, scrape the contents of the pan into the bin, wipe any remaining evidence of vegetable matter away with a paper towel, and put the pan back onto the heat in readiness to receive a large, juicy steak.